LoveI remember the first time I met him. My friends where begging me to go out with him, saying we would be a cute couple. We met at the movies, his long faded black hair pushed out of his face, his dull silvery blue eyes framed by a pair of oval glasses. He was wearing jeans and a white shirt with a creeper from minecraft looking as if it was bursting out of him. I remember looking down at my clothes, a very short skirt that had many layers on it and a simple blue singlet. My Dark purple hair was done in a loose pony tail. I remember I was begging him not to buy my ticket for the movie that only made him chuckle. His eyes kept lighting up as he
Hello, you requested a critique on your work so I thought I'd offer my thoughts on this piece.
I find this is a bit hard to follow, She says she just met him, yet she's already staying the night with him, and the title is love. I don't believe in love at first sight, so maybe that judgement is unfair.
Something that annoys me a fair amount about this, is that there are too many fragments. It's something I really focus on in my writing and that's why it bugs me. For instance in the start of the second paragraph it says "I laid next to the very boy I first met. My head on his chest as I listened to his heart beat."
On the other hand I find the piece very original, These people seem kind of gothic/nerdy. It says he's wearing a creepy shirt, and she has purple hair. It's sparked the imagery a bit, and I like it a lot like that. I like the ending, a lot. and it adds a hint of lust at the end when she kisses his neck. It's leaves a lot of room for what can happen next, a brilliant technique I'm not very good with.