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Hello, you requested a critique on your work so I thought I'd offer my thoughts on this piece.

I find this is a bit hard to follow, She says she just met him, yet she's already staying the night with him, and the title is love. I don't believe in love at first sight, so maybe that judgement is unfair.
Something that annoys me a fair amount about this, is that there are too many fragments. It's something I really focus on in my writing and that's why it bugs me. For instance in the start of the second paragraph it says "I laid next to the very boy I first met. My head on his chest as I listened to his heart beat."

On the other hand I find the piece very original, These people seem kind of gothic/nerdy. It says he's wearing a creepy shirt, and she has purple hair. It's sparked the imagery a bit, and I like it a lot like that. I like the ending, a lot. and it adds a hint of lust at the end when she kisses his neck. It's leaves a lot of room for what can happen next, a brilliant technique I'm not very good with.
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.


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