LoveI remember the first time I met him. My friends where begging me to go out with him, saying we would be a cute couple. We met at the movies, his long faded black hair pushed out of his face, his dull silvery blue eyes framed by a pair of oval glasses. He was wearing jeans and a white shirt with a creeper from minecraft looking as if it was bursting out of him. I remember looking down at my clothes, a very short skirt that had many layers on it and a simple blue singlet. My Dark purple hair was done in a loose pony tail. I remember I was begging him not to buy my ticket for the movie that only made him chuckle. His eyes kept lighting up as he talked as we made our way to the movies. As we watched the movie he kept throwing popcorn down my shirt, but every time he did I ended up slapping his arm softly. By the time the movie was over he had red hand prints all over his arm. But his eyes looked so much more alive.
Hello, you requested a critique on your work so I thought I'd offer my thoughts on this piece.
I find this is a bit hard to follow, She says she just met him, yet she's already staying the night with him, and the title is love. I don't believe in love at first sight, so maybe that judgement is unfair.
Something that annoys me a fair amount about this, is that there are too many fragments. It's something I really focus on in my writing and that's why it bugs me. For instance in the start of the second paragraph it says "I laid next to the very boy I first met. My head on his chest as I listened to his heart beat."
On the other hand I find the piece very original, These people seem kind of gothic/nerdy. It says he's wearing a creepy shirt, and she has purple hair. It's sparked the imagery a bit, and I like it a lot like that. I like the ending, a lot. and it adds a hint of lust at the end when she kisses his neck. It's leaves a lot of room for what can happen next, a brilliant technique I'm not very good with.